


Reach For Me

by 1cobaltDream



Series: To Find What Was Lost [1]
Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime 2001), Fruits Basket (Anime 2019), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: I listen to a lot of music while writing this, I'm so sorry, M/M, This came out way sadder than I though it would be, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25236754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1cobaltDream/pseuds/1cobaltDream
Summary: There are things he can't remember, empty spaces in his mind.A book with blank pages.A story written, and then erased.
Relationships: Sohma Kyou/Sohma Yuki
Series: To Find What Was Lost [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1828234
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Reach For Me

**Author's Note:**

> Can I use the excuse that I was drinking wine while posting this?  
> I'm back on my bullshit and am writing fanfics again, everything in this is unedited as I do not have a Beta so if anyone wants to take up that mantle feel free to message me!  
> I would also like to blame RiddleAfar (Snyuuk) for all of this. Just all of it. I also want to give her a HUGE thank you for everything.
> 
> The beginning is a bunch of song lyrics that inspired this fic, I also suggest listening to Spiegel I'm Spiegel for maximum feelage while reading this.
> 
> Enjoy!

So show me what to do   
To restart this heart of mine   
How do I forgive myself   
For losing so much time?   
Wake up   
Roll up your sleeves   
There's a chain reaction   
In your heart   
Muscle memory   
Remembering who you are   
  


Nine– sleeping at last.

Broken frames, so dark inside  
Faces Mismatched  
Trickle out in a line  
Waves of shadows, Scattered dreams  
Where are you?  
Where are you?  
Trying to find, what do I see?  
Pictures that rhyme,  
Colors that breathe  
I need to,  
Discover more, find where I’ve been  
Let images pour  
Where are you?  
Where are you?

Where are you? –Betty Steeles

  
A stranger's eyes that somehow look familiar  
I know that when it's you, I'll remember  
Remember  
So wait for me; I swear I'll find you  
Climbing every wall that hides you  
I know we were meant for something better

Something better– Audien

Your hand fervidly held at your side as memories of you flow through mine  
An empty space more lonesome for what it has lost.  
You're the sunset smile thundering out of a careless moment,  
You're the tightly closed fingers holding in a breath.  
If you would stay here with me, one more minute,  
I would steal the world.

I Still Think About Who I Was Last Summer (acoustic) – Old Gray

/./././././

.

.

.

.

.

_ After _

There’s not much Kyo remembers these days.

Just empty spaces that echo violently in Kyo’s head. Vacant spaces that mock him at every turn and at every peek whenever he ventures too far into his own head; searching for what was no longer there.

It hurts after a while of endless searching, of rifling through an unfamiliar book with nothing but blank and weathered pages that offer no clues even though he  _ knows _ there were once words; picture perfect things once lived and jotted down.

A story written, and then erased.

He lies on his back and stares at the ceiling. It’s musty and humid in this room that he's kept in but it's all Kyo knows.

It's all Kyo will  _ ever _ know.

The whole room smells of misery.

He has a headache most days, when he runs out of tiles and floorboards to count and he has no choice but to search inward. To try and look for names, faces, images and voices.

He always comes up empty.

So he stops trying, stops searching and accepts the harsh reality of nothing.

Maybe there was a reason for all of this, maybe it’s better. 

Forgetting.

And being forgotten.

/././././

.

.

.

.

The earliest thing he can recall is a hand on his head– a scream– flash of white– and then silence.

He remembers waking up; recalls an overwhelmingly dark and heavy feeling in his chest and tears on his cheeks. Remembers a feeling of great sadness, like he had just lost something precious.

He can't remember what it is; what he'd lost.

Maybe it's better that way.

Lying there on the floor without even knowing his own name, he stared up at the ceiling while an icy feeling of fear creeped up within him, settling into each and every one of his bones. 

( _ Kyo _ , he would later be told, softly, desperately– pale, shaky arms outstretched, straining, reaching, not quite touching but almost there,  _ your name is Kyo _ ).

That was when someone moved to stand over him.

A different feeling rose up then, something much heavier that made his breath hitch and his empty mind  _ scream _ .

Love.

He felt love.

All the jaded and sharp, cutting edges of love. The kind that latches on and digs deeper and deeper, consumes and devours all that you are.

Until there was nothing of yourself left over.

It made his breath stutter, his head throb, his chest ache.

It made his blood run cold.

_ Fear _ .

Fear on the heels of love.

There was a sharp smile on their face as they loomed before it splintered, fraying at the edges as they stared down at Kyo before quickly looking away, their ink like hair hiding their dark eyes.

_ Look at me,  _ Kyo almost said if he had the strength,  _ won't you look at me? _

“Do you know who I am?” the person asked almost kindly, a sharp whisper of sound.

Kyo shook his head slowly, too weak to even get up as agony nearly split his brain in two.

The person tilted their head, eyes still shadowed, hidden away.

_ Look at me. _

“I am your God.” God said, “You must be so scared, but that’s normal. You should be. After all, why  _ wouldn’t  _ you be?”

God bent down, their black hair framing their fragile looking face as they loomed over Kyo.

They still wouldn’t look at him.

“You tried to escape,” God said, “You tried to run and everyone knows monsters can't be allowed to run wild and free. Who knows how many more people you could have hurt? How many you could have  _ killed _ !”

“I–” Kyo struggled to speak.

"You've done it before," God said, their voice cutting deep into Kyo, gutting and flaying him alive, "To your own  _ mother _ , the poor thing."

There was a burning sensation building behind Kyo's eyes and his head began to throb harder. He wanted out, he wanted to escape, to  _ run _ .

“Don’t worry,” God soothed, reaching out to pat Kyo on the head, like he was some child– a pet. “Don’t worry, I got to you in time, I helped you, I  _ saved  _ you.”

Their touch turned harsh then, impossibly pale fingers gripping Kyo’s hair tightly, agony shooting through his head.

_ Let me go. _

“All that’s left is to put you where you belong,” God hisses, “Aren’t I a kind God? For choosing to spare your life?”

Tears spilled from Kyo’s eyes as something; a blurry image of a kind and gentle face drifted further and further away.

_ Out of reach _ .

“Aren’t I?!” God yells then.

_ My bones are all I have left to give you. _

“Yes, yes you are.” Kyo sobs as his heart breaks. “I love you.”

_ Please take them. You need them more than I do. _

“I love you,” Kyo cries weakly, “I love you– I do.”

God gasps then– quickly lets go of Kyo as though burned and Kyo begins to babble, unable to stop.

_ You are kind _ , Kyo tells God,  _ kind and gentle and soft and beautiful, so kind so precious _ . 

_ I'm here to stay. _

The words vomited from Kyo’s mouth, words that were not his own.

_ I'm here to stay; until the end. _

Kyo tells God whatever he thinks God wants to hear, anything to get them to go away, to leave him in peace.

He wants to make God happy.

Instead, he makes God angry.

And in the truth of it all, he just wants God to _ go away _ .

"Shut up," God hisses, "shut up shut up shut up! Your voice is annoying!"

God clutches at their ears to block him out, squeezing their eyes shut but Kyo is panicked, scared and in agony.

_ Look at me. _

"I love you" Kyo sobs, "I love you–"

_ You can’t, can you? _

“I said shut up!” God screams.

_ Take my bones, they’re all I have left. _

/./././

.

.

.

.

.

There are no chains on him, but there may as well be.

His body is heavy, aching and his head throbs every time he tries too hard to think of  _ before _ . It hurts to move, to think, his lips are chapped and they are cracked like the skin over his knuckles.

There are bars on the windows. Weathered things that look more imposing than they really are.

The door is old, decrepit and barred too and Kyo dares not test the strength of any of it.

God tells him he’s a monster, that he’s killed before and only lives to hurt those around him. God tells him he’s done terrible things, things that will never be forgiven.

_ You forgot, _ God said,  _ you’ve forgotten your place, and what you’ve done. _

It’s why he has this tiny tiny house, this tiny world within these walls.

Somewhere safe.

_ I’m protecting you,  _ God said,  _ I’m protecting you and everyone else from you. _

God visits him every now and then. When there’s a shift in the air and the sensation around Kyo’s neck suddenly tightens, chokes him a little more the closer God gets.

When God arrives, the feelings of love and fear blend into one.

God never reaches in through the bars and never stays long enough to actually look at him and for that, Kyo is grateful.

God is not kind.

God spews out hateful words that cut Kyo deep, sharp barbed things that twist around Kyo’s neck and steals his breath, his happiness and his joy if he ever manages to find any in this tiny barred house.

God is not kind.

No matter what they say to convince him otherwise and Kyo wonders often, what would God say if they knew Kyo lied? That the very first words that came from his mouth were nothing more than a deception? A means to an end? A long list of words that Kyo had only said as though detached from his own body?

Would they cut off his tongue? Sew his lips shut? 

Or maybe take his voice? Open his mouth wide and reach in and scrape until nothing else is left?

Would they take his ability to speak like they took– 

Like they  _ stole– _

Like–

He cries at times, for reasons that he can't even recall. Big, ugly fat tears that burn– a deep sadness that he can't even remember; choking him and stealing the air from his lungs in ways God never could.

It happens so suddenly, with no warning and no reason at all. There are times he sits with his back to the wall, counting ceiling tiles or even while just picking at his sleeve before his breath shudders and something hot and wet slides down his cheeks.

It always hits him out of nowhere, each and every time– silent and always unpleasant.

There are things he can't remember, empty spaces in his mind. 

A book with blank pages. 

A story written, and then erased.

There are other times he’s angry and  _ these  _ days he prefers.

His body moves on a memory he doesn’t have, moving through forms and practices he doesn’t remember.

His cage isn’t big, but it’s not exactly small either. It has the essentials with a small table which he pushes to the far wall when his body feels achy and he needs to move.

Other times, on very rare days, there is someone else at the door.

It’s not God, nor is it the angry maid that hastily shoves food through the bars.

It’s someone new, and Kyo knows that they are searching for him.

For who he used to be.

They are the only reason Kyo even  _ knows  _ his own name.

The other person reaches through the bars though, as they always do. Strains against the barrier of metal and reaches for Kyo, almost desperately with his hand outstretched, fingers endlessly reaching.

“Kyo,” they say urgently, voice wobbly and strained with the effort to keep quiet, “Kyo.”

“Who are you?” Kyo always asks.

The other person’s face crumbles, their grey eyes glistening with frustrated tears and Kyo is so fucking sorry every time it happens. Feels like it's his fault in some way, for asking in the first place.

For forgetting.

“I don’t know,” the other person croaks, “I don’t know.”

In his hand, he clutches at a blue ribbon.

"I don't even know my own name." He weeps.

He crumbles to his knees at Kyo’s barred door, holding the ribbon as though it were a lifeline, and helpless, Kyo falls to his knees with him.

  
  
  


/./././

.

.

.

.

.

There’s a ripple in the air at times, and suddenly Kyo can  _ breathe _ . The world turns brighter and louder at these times and Kyo can hear and feel almost  _ everything _ . As if the world was doing it’s damn best to reach out and swallow him up.

There’s the sound of trickling water from the pond a little ways away, birds chirping and the leaves rustling in the wind as it flows through the window, ruffling his hair– the sunlight warming his skin.

Kyo almost feels  _ free _ .

Like he could walk over and just–  _ open the door _ .

But he doesn’t, because God isn’t dead and neither is their power.

God is not  _ kind _ .

“God is sick,” The other person says from his spot beyond Kyo’s cage, just at the edge of Kyo’s vision.

“Oh.” Kyo says, at a loss of what to say.

“You can feel it, can’t you?” He asks Kyo.

Kyo turns his face to the sun streaming through his barred windows, he breathes in deep and feels almost lazy in it’s light. Like he could just lay down and have a nap.

“Kyo,” he calls out, “Kyo, come here.”

“Cant,” Kyo mumbles, “Door’s locked.”

“Kyo,” the other person says, “Kyo.”

“What?” Kyo turns away from the sunlight.

There’s another ripple and suddenly Kyo feels like he’s choking again. 

God was on their way.

“You gotta go.” Kyo snaps urgently.

It’s almost like a window– a door– slams closed, cutting off any warmth, any feeling of life.

“Kyo,” the other person says instead, steps closer and closer.

“Hey, seriously, they–”

“What’s my name?” 

Kyo stops short, words turning to ash on his tongue as he looks into the other person’s grey eyes.

They’re thinner than Kyo, as if they were recently sick with no intention of getting better. They’re always dressed messily, as though they dressed hastily in the dark; fumbling and stumbling long.

Once Kyo had asked if that’s what they did; gotten dressed in the dark.

They looked at Kyo then, grey eyes fixated on him and only him.

_ Yes.  _ He had said simply.

Their grey hair is a mess and there are dark smudges under their eyes, turning darker and darker as days and nights pass with no sleep.

Kyo thinks he's beautiful.

It's in the way he moves, the way he talks.

Mostly, it's the way he looks at Kyo.

He’s still clutching at that ribbon.

“I told you,” Kyo mutters, “I don’t know.”

“I know you,” the other person says,their grey eyes piercing through Kyo, “I know you, I do.”

“I–”

“What’s my name?” He asks again. He grips the ribbon even tighter. He licks his chapped lips but doesn’t look away from Kyo.

“What’s  _ her  _ name?”

/././././.

.

.

.

.

  
  


God is not kind.

But Kyo thinks that unconsciously, maybe they want to be.

He sees it, in the way God screams at him, shrieks and shouts and throws things. Kicking at rocks, dirt, leaves.

He sees it in the way God refuses to reach through the bars, refuses to really  _ look  _ at him.

God avoids his eyes, avoids hearing his voice and screams and yells instead. Calls Kyo stupid, ugly and monster.

When God is sick though, Kyo can breathe easy.

Can wiggle his toes and feel energy flow through him, like something was loosening from his neck, from his bones.

It makes Kyo feel guilty, like the monster God tells him he is because it's pretty clear what's happening.

Anytime God is weak, Kyo is strong.

So the guilt grows because there are days Kyo wakes up with a smile on his face, with his lungs full of air and strength in his body.

Not happy, but content.

Like settling.

And on days like that, the other person comes back, stays longer, slumps with his back to Kyo’s door and falls asleep, peacefully.

Like he found more comfort in the monster than God.

When God is sick, God blames Kyo.

God tells Kyo it’s his fault, it’s all his fault.

With glazed eyes and fever high, God demands answers Kyo doesn’t have. God wants to know, wants to  _ always  _ know why Kyo didn’t want to just  _ stay _ ?

Why didn’t Kyo  _ love  _ God?

Why did Kyo want to  _ leave _ ?

“An everlasting banquet,” God shakes, “All of us together– It’s your fault! It’s all your fault!” God’s chest is heaving as they try to breathe as another taller man clutches at him, begs Akito to stop and get some rest, he’s not well, he needs to  _ rest _ .

“It’s your fault,” God, Akito? Shrieks hysterically, looking everywhere but at Kyo, “It’s your fault you stupid cat! Why did you reject me?!”

“Akito!” the man shouts, grabbing at God.

“I loved you first,” God cries, “I loved you first and you tried to  _ leave _ !”

/./././

.

.

.

.

“You're the rat.” Kyo says plainly.

The rat blinks at him with tired eyes as he reaches through the bars of Kyo’s cage.

“Yes,” the rat says.

Today, God, Akito, isn’t sick.

It’s slightly drizzling and it forces Kyo onto his back, his face turned towards his barred door as the rat strains against the metal.

“What are you doing?” Kyo finally asks, sighing as he does.

The rat continues to extend his arms through the metal, hands grasping at nothing as he strains against the bars.

“Trying to reach you.”

/./././

.

.

.

.

  
  


Kyo won't let the rat touch him. Not even for a second.

He sits back and watches him strain, watches him weakly tug and pull at the metal.

There's strength there in his bones, under his pale flesh and slender hands– Kyo can tell.

Kyo knows he could easily break down the door if he chose to.

He doesn't.

Because just like Kyo, there's something stopping him, something that stays his strength every time.

Kyo thinks this other man could destroy him with a single touch, could easily devastate and shatter him into tiny pieces if he wanted to.

Could  _ ruin  _ him.

Kyo thinks that maybe it's happened before. In a past that he can't remember anymore.

But his body does.

Remembers what was forgotten.

Kyo knows this because his heart beats wildly at the sight of him. His blood thrums and burns, racing violently in his veins and his skin prickles, his body going taut, muscles aching with the need to just  _ touch _ .

It’s because of this that Kyo stays away, afraid for something he can't even remember.

But he wants it, wants it so bad and knows that if he wasn't so afraid, empty and hollow; he would reach back.

It’s for these reasons that Kyo stays back, forcefully stays wary and afraid– watches blankly at the outstretched hands that grasp at air, desperately trying to reach him.

There are empty spaces in his head, a book with blank pages.

A story written, and then erased.

/./././

.

.

.

.

There are indents pressed into his skin from the beads that rest on his left wrist. They aren't tight, but when Kyo falls asleep and wakes up with his arms pillowing his head it takes a while for the feeling to return to his fingers.

They tingle and tinge while Kyo counts the indents from the beads across his wrist where they were pressed down onto his skin while he slept.

Then he counts each and every bead.

There is one missing.

He doesn't know how or why he would know that, but he does. There's a nagging feeling that never quite went away in all the time he's woken up  _ after _ the  _ before _ .

He searches his entire cage for it. Looks under pillows, covers and under the one small table he's allowed.

He looks in the tiny drawers that hold what meger clothes he has and searches behind what little furniture he was given but always comes up empty.

It’s out there, somewhere in a world that no longer has Kyo in it.

He’s not allowed– not allowed anymore of the world than what he has in this cage.

Even that much is too much.

But that nagging feeling never goes away, like something was waiting for him to come searching, to find it and never let it go again.

It’s during his search that he finds  _ it _ .

It’s wedged under an old tatami mat, as though it had fallen and been forgotten. It’s small and glints in the light and that’s the only reason he even notices it in the first place.

He bends to pick it up and holds it in the palm of his hand.

It’s a key. Silver– shiny, like it was brand new. He turns it over and over in his hand inspecting every little dip, crevice and jagged edge. Holds it close as his eyes burn as a feeling of great loss consumes him, like when he first woke up, scared and full of sorrow.

He turns his gaze to his door and knows before he even thinks about it.

It’s not the key to his prison.

But looking at it, holding it to his chest, Kyo feels like it was meant for things greater than even that.

A key to a future, to a world that no longer existed.

/././././

.

.

.

.

.

  
  


"I have my own room," the rat tells Kyo, weeks, maybe months later, "the door is always closed tight and the windows are always shut. It's a room made of black ink, no light, no breeze."

"How did you get out?" 

The rat reaches through the bars of Kyo's door. Through the old weathered decrepit, crumbling bars.

"I opened the door."

././././

.

.

.

.

"I knew you. From  _ before _ . I dream about you."

"You know something," Kyo accuses, "you remember something, what is it? What do you remember?"

The rat turns to look at Kyo, his eyes sharpening.

"You.” he says, “I remember you and  _ her _ . A memory that I kept all to myself."

"Oh,” Kyo falters, “that girl you keep talking about? Who is she?"

The rat smiles then, a wistful, sad thing. It changes his face, makes him seem smaller, more vulnerable and all Kyo wants in that moment is to kiss it away until all that is left are soft, happy smiles. The type that comes from being happy, from a place deep within the heart. Wants to press the pads of his fingers to the corner of his lips, to kiss the shell of his ears, to press closer and invite him into his heart, his soul.

Somehow, Kyo feels like it's all happened before.

"I was hoping you'd tell me." The rat says.

“I told you,” Kyo shakes his head, frustrated, “I don’t remember.”

“Yes you do,” the rat says, extending his hands out for Kyo again, fingers outstretched and hopelessly grasping at nothing but empty air.

./././././

.

.

.

.

.

Kyo’s eyes open and he knows, before he does, that God– Akito was there.

Akito stands before the cage, and though they stare down at Kyo, their face and eyes are empty as though gazing at some far away memory instead of directly at Kyo.

Instead of the usual hysteric and desperate screams, today, they are unusually blank

Wary, Kyo dares not move an inch.

“You didn’t forget.” Akito says. “You didn’t forget. I took it.”

Kyo doesn’t even blink.

“I took it because it’s mine. Your happiness, your bonds, your soul. It all belongs to me. It wasn’t yours to give away anymore.”

Akito looks away.

“I loved you first,” Akito says blankly, “I loved you before any of them. You were the first; we were happy, an everlasting banquet. And yet you tried to leave, have always tried to leave. Since the beginning.”

A smile creeps onto Akito’s face, a bitter, discontented thing that transforms their face, turns it resentful, tired.

“You ruined it, and are ruining it still.”

“I–”

"And then, and then you tried to take _him_."

There’s the swift sound of movement in the grass and it sends a jolt of fear through Kyo. He scrambles to his feet, just as Akito turns at the noise.

Kyo steps closer to the barred door, face going pale just as the rat makes his way up the broken, overgrown path.

His hair is limp and he’s panting, dark smudges beneath his eyes, skin pale and face set. He jerks to a stop a few feet away, taking in the sight of Akito, of God standing before Kyo’s cage. 

Kyo wills him to go, to turn away and leave. It’s not safe, it's not safe.

_ Run.  _

Instead the rat’s lips curl back and reveal his teeth.

He bares them at God.

God stares at Yuki, silent and considering.

"I see," Akito says in a bland tone. "Even after everything, with no memory to call your own, you're still going to try and defy me. And for what? This monster? I had hoped after you forgot that you’d come back to your senses but still, it seems like you’ve learned nothing."

God holds out their pale hand.

"Come here," Akito says.

The rat grits his teeth, trembling and silent.

"Come," commands God.

The rat remains where he is, teeth bared and eyes flinty with anger.

"No." He spits.

Kyo’s eyes go wide.

"I said  **come** ." God's voice raises.

The rat flinches, shoulders hunching but still refusing to move as Kyo's eyes dart frantically between the two of them.

Kyo reaches through the bars.

"I said–" God's voice cuts off abruptly, their eyes going impossibly wide, head snapping, to finally  _ look  _ at Kyo.

Kyo has their sleeve grasped in his hand and Kyo hears the rat's sharp intake of breath.

"Let go," Akito breathes, their face rapidly going pale, tugging at their sleeve.

"Please," Kyo whispers.

_ Please don't hurt him. _

"I said let go!" Akito shouts, tugging harder.

_ Do whatever you want to me, just please– please don’t do anything to them. _

"Kyo–"

"You will be  **silent** !" Akito shrieks at the rat, their eyes wide with panic. "Don't you dare talk to this monster! He's done enough damage to you as it is!"

_ How selfish of you– how could you have done this to them? _

Shocked, Kyo's grip loosens as Akitos words strike deep into him, settling in the pit of his stomach, beginning to rot. Something prickles in the back of his head, a headache that blooms and begins to spread throughout his body.

It feels something like setting fire to his skin.

_ They’re going to suffer because of you– because of what you’ve done. _

Akito snatches their hand away and they back hastily away from Kyo's cage.

"It's your fault!" Akito continues to scream, "it's all your fault and I won't let you! I won't let you do this again! I wont allow it! I wont allow it!"

Akito stalks over to the rat and grips his arm, their nails digging in and drawing blood.

“This is the last time,” God hisses, “The last time you will ever see that  **thing** , the last time you’ll leave your room.”

The rat shakes his head, and tries to pull away.

“No,” he whispers, “No–”

God tugs harshly, “I’ll take it,” they threaten, “I’ll take more and you won't even remember how to  _ breathe  _ without me. You won't even remember what light looks like. You’ll be left there in that dark room. I’ll never let you out.”

The rat bares his teeth again.

God leans closer, “I’ll seal that monster’s windows and door shut. You’ll never be able to see him again, even  _ if  _ you manage to get out of your room again. I’ll board it all up and seal his cage tight. Block out the sunlight, turn it all black, just like  **your** room.”

The rat freezes, eyes going wide in fear as God’s tone turns sickeningly sweet, like poisoned syrup.

“Wouldn’t that be sweet? The two of you sharing the same type of room? Do you want that?”

“No,” the rat trembles, “No don’t–”

God tugs then, nails digging in, “You will never come back here again. You will be silent and you will  **obey** .”

Kyo’s heart breaks when the rat stiffly nods then, their grey eyes welling up with angry tears that turn sad when their eyes desperately dart to look at Kyo.

One last time.

_ Oh– look at what you’ve done. _

/./././

.

.

.

.

.

.

The rat doesn't come back for months.

In fact, no one comes to see Kyo for months except for the angry maid that comes to give him his meals and take his meager clothes to wash. 

She doesn't speak, nor does she gaze upon him longer than she has to.

He spends the entire time in the cage, gazing outside as the leaves begin to turn colors, becoming brittle and falling to the ground.

He reaches through the bars of the window to catch a leaf and smiles wistfully when it floats away, too far out of reach.

He thinks about the rat, of things like lost memories, crumpled blue ribbons in pale hands, a small sliver key that leads to a future that doesn’t exist, and a lone missing bead.

His head throbs whenever he tries too hard to remember, a punishment for trying to recall what was taken.

What was given up.

There are days that Kyo doesn’t get up from his futon, days that he is weak and weary, even when it doesn’t rain.

There is always anger brimming within him, and beneath that, at his core,  _ sadness _ . Just like that first moment that he woke up in this world that no longer had him in it, he’s left with unwanted tears streaming down his cheeks with no clue why they were falling in the first place.

It leaves a hollow achy feeling in his stomach, like he’s forgotten something important; like something was taken and he hasn’t done a damn thing about it.

There are empty spaces in his head, a book with blank pages.

A story written and then erased.

Sometimes the anger helps, gets him up and forces him to move. But all it does is leave him weaker when it runs its course through his body, makes him feel brittle, wasted. It forces him onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, counting and counting until eventually, with his eyes burning with frustrated tears, he cries.

His tears always burn, are always big and fat and never ending. His chest heaves with the force of his sobs and he digs the heels of his hands into his eyes to try and stop them. 

Afterwards he lays there, weak and blank and wrung out. 

It was on one of these days there was the sound of crunching leaves, of footsteps walking down the overgrown, dead path.

Kyo’s head turns and his breath catches.

It’s a girl.

With a blue ribbon in her hair.

/././././

.

.

.

.

.

.

“I don’t remember,” She says softly, a confession laid out before Kyo. “There’s a lot of things I don't remember. Important things that I held close to my heart.”

She stands before Kyo’s cage, eyes gentle and sad, a scarf around her neck.

She’s soft and gentle, lost and searching for things she can't remember anymore.

Kyo wants to cry at the mere sight of her. Wants to wail and throw himself at her feet and beg– beg her to run, to never look back, to forget what was meant to be forgotten.

There’s something bigger than that within him though, something that wants to call out to her, to gather her into his arms and never let her go no matter the consequences.

Kyo wants her to  _ run _ .

She’s been here before, she says, she  _ knows  _ it–  _ feels  _ it.

“I never came to this part of the estate,” she says, “I actually snuck in a couple weeks ago.”

“You  _ snuck  _ in?” Kyo’s voice came out strangled.

“I– I’m sorry!” she blithers, “It’s just– a couple months ago, I woke up and it’s like I  _ lost  _ something and I– I–”

Her face crumbles and tears well up and Kyo is sorry, so fucking sorry–

_ This is my fault. _

_ I did this– _

“I want to find it,” she sniffs, “I’ve been feeling so sad, and I feel like I’m always walking in circles– around and around calling for something that isn’t there anymore. I feel almost like I’m going  _ crazy _ , like there’s something here that I forgot. That I need to get back. I’ve been here before, I  _ know  _ it. I found myself walking to this place again and again and they never let me in.” 

“They won't,” Kyo says, “They won’t let you in.”

“They didn’t,” she tearfully says, “They didn’t and I just– I’m sorry– I ran into a man and he looked like he was lost too– like he was searching just like I was and he gave me– he gave me– I kept it, I kept it close and I wear it because it feels so familiar– I went home and I cried over it. When I came back they still wouldn’t let me in.”

Kyo watches transfixed; terrified as she babbles on.

“I’m not a bad person but I snuck in, I snuck in and– oh you must think I’m crazy, I  _ feel  _ like I’m going crazy. But I snuck in anyway and I was too scared to even move further than the garden so I went home to Uo and Hana and– I came back again. There was someone else that time and they looked so sad and lost and angry–”

“Hey,” Kyo hastily says, “hey you gotta  _ breathe _ .”

“–So I tried to talk to them and they yelled at me but I kept coming back again and again. Everything is so confusing and I feel so lost and Hana and Uo said to never– to stop– but I  _ can't _ ! I have to find them! I have to! So I snuck in again and again, and today– today I found  _ you _ .” her breath hitches, her voice wobbling, “I found you. I found you.”

She crumbles to her knees, before Kyo’s barred door.

She reaches up to wipe at her eyes and that’s when Kyo sees it.

On her wrist, tied with a simple string was a makeshift bracelet with a lone bead.

“I  _ found  _ you.”

/././././

.

.

.

.

.

  
  


“They’re sad.” She says sometime later quiet and shivering as the dark clouds overhead began to threaten violence. “They’re sad and they don’t know what to do anymore.”

“It’s dangerous,” Kyo croaks, his body feeling heavy and weak as the storm approaches, far too late in the year for it to be normal.

_ I’m dangerous. _

“I found you,” she says, “I found you but there’s still something– someone else I’m also missing.”

“Don’t.” Kyo whispers.

“I have to go back– I need to talk to  _ them  _ again, one last time. Even if they scream, even if they push or shove or cry. They– they’re so lonely. And I– I  _ understand _ .”

She smiles then, a bright, happy thing that lights up her entire face. It fills Kyo with such a raw feeling of apprehension and joy that his stomach churns.

_ Take my bones, they’re all I have left. _

“Wait for me, Kyo.” she says just as small droplets of rain began to fall. “Wait for _us_.”

/././././.

.

.

.

.

.

It began to rain.

Softly at first, a pitter patter on the roof, on the ground, on the dead leaves, on her hair, her shoulders, as she walks away down the path; determined and unafraid with the bead still tied around her wrist.

She never gave her name.

The sky began to weakly rumble. 

It’s sad and miserable sounding, and it makes Kyo exhausted all the same.

In all his time in this cage, never has he shut the windows, nor shut the second inner door that both prevent the elements from entering the cage he occupies even as it begins to get colder, fall settling in.

He waits with them all open, always lost and blank, never really knowing who or what he was waiting for.

Always pacing. A cat in it’s cage.

It's raining in earnest now, a storm blowing in that steals Kyo’s energy for its own.

It makes him weak, lethargic and unsteady.

Lightning soon cuts across the sky and the world is so loud, booming and crackling. It doesn’t sound weak this time; not with the way it began to gain momentum as the hours ticked by.

The wind began to pick up and the sky turned violent; angry.

Kyo is more afraid of the rat who stands beyond the barred door than the thunder and lightning though.

In it’s true animal form it’s tiny; could fit in the palm of his hand.

Kyo knows who it is, knows that in this form it’ll be easier for it to–

_ Run, _ Kyo’s mind pleads,  _ you shouldn’t be here. _

_ You’ll get hurt. _

But somewhere deeper than that, underneath all the folds of mystery and blank spaces is the need to hold out his hand to the rat, to let it touch his skin and wait until it transforms back into who it really is.

_ Stay– stay. _

Kyo is afraid of the things he wants, of what _ he _ makes Kyo want. Things Kyo knows he shouldn't want, things that Kyo knows shouldn't belong to him.

Kyo looks deep into its– _his_ – grey eyes.

God doesn’t slumber. Kyo knows this for a fact because he can  _ feel _ it. Can feel how  _ powerful _ , how restless God is as the storm blows in.

He watches as the small rat walks through the bars and flinches when it disappears in a puff of gray smoke and soon, the rat stands before him, human, wet, shivering and naked– inside Kyo’s cage.

Kyo holds his breath as the rat stands in the doorway, waiting.

"What's my name?" The rat whispers. His eyes don't waver from Kyo, his lips tremble from his question and Kyo wonders if he's fighting internally. Fighting the hold God has over him even even now, so far away.

"What's my name, Kyo?"

Kyo closes his eyes.

There are empty spaces in his memory, a book with blank pages.

A story written and then erased.

"I don't know." Kyo says.

"You do." The rat insists, his voice almost lost in the falling rain. He doesn’t shift any closer, hardly seems to even breathe.

"They took it," Kyo whispers, "they took it all. Even your name."

"They  _ tried _ ." The rat says, "They tried but you hid it, somewhere deep inside. In your heart."

"I don't–"

"That's where I hid you," the rat continues, "it's where I hid you, in my heart. It's where I hid  _ her _ . Don't run. Not now. Come back to me, to us."

Kyo shakes his head, reaches up and clutches at his hair as his head begins to throb, his eyes watering as the pain quickly intensifies.

Lightning flashes and its bright light burns Kyo's eyes, sends searing pain through his head so intense he clenches his eyes shut and grits his teeth.

"I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about, much less what your fucking name is!" Kyo snaps angrily.

"Why are you running from me?"

"Who's fucking running?!"

"Kyo."

Kyo slowly opens his eyes.

Yu–

–the rat's voice gentles, at odds with the way he holds himself. He's tense, like he was waiting to spring into action, standing in the doorway, waiting for something, for  _ Kyo _ to spur him into motion.

"What's my name?" Yu– the rat asks.

Kyo forcefully shakes his head, worried for a moment that his head would split wide open with that one movement.

There are empty spaces in Kyo's head.

A book with blank pages.

A story written, and then–

The earliest thing Kyo can remember is a hand on his head, a scream, a blinding white flash and then silence.

_ But that's a lie isn't it? _

Because there are other things Kyo remembers. Things he tries  _ not _ to remember, dangerous things.

Things like summer nights, the worst kind. 

The kind where it's hot and sticky, his body vibrating with too much energy and anticipation.

He remembers a hurried kiss behind the trees, fingers skimming across the skin of his stomach and moving further up under his shirt.

He remembers grey eyes burning into his, refusing to look away, full of heat and promises, unspoken words and kiss swollen lips.

He remembers being in a room, in the dead of night on his back, fingers in his mouth, between his teeth to try and keep himself quiet as they moved together.

He remembers–

Remembers– 

The rat– 

_ Yuki _ rocking into him, between his splayed thighs, one hand beside Kyo's head for balance, the other gripping Kyo's waist, fingers digging in and bruising.

Kyo remembers cursing at him, hissing and trying to forcefully stifle his own moans because Yuki is a bastard and isn't trying to help it. Just moves in deeper, faster, lifting Kyo's hips just so he can hit that spot every time he pleased.

It makes Kyo bite down harder on his own fingers, makes him tremble and makes it harder to breathe because everyone else is asleep in the next room over and they need to be  _ quiet _ .

Yuki shakily laughs down at him, quiet in at least that, and just thrusts in deeper, releases his bruising grip on Kyo’s waist to push Kyo’s knee into his chest, going deeper and fucking into him at a different angle.

Then he does what he always does, at every given opportunity.

He obliterates Kyo, devastates and  _ ruins  _ him.

He tells Kyo he loves him.

Pulls Kyo's abused and bitten fingers from his mouth, caresses each one with his lips before kissing Kyo.

He whispers promises into Kyo’s lips, into his skin and into his heart. Promises of the future, a bright, happy one with Kyo in it.

What's worse, what's worse is that Kyo  _ let's _ him.

Just gives himself over, opens himself up, carves out a spot and lets Yuki settle there like it's the easiest thing he'd ever done.

He remembers worse nights.

Fireworks and the sound of waves, blurry faces and names. Laughter and glee.

He remembers her voice.

Remembers her face, her smile.

It hasn’t changed, after all this time.

There are blank spaces in Kyo's memory.

A book with blank pages.

A story written and then  _ hidden _ .

He looks up, then, at Yuki's face. He remembers him but not much else. 

He  _ won't _ remember much else.

He shouldn't be here.

Shouldn't be anywhere that Kyo is.

_ You’re so cruel, how could you do this to them? _

"Kyo." Yuki calls to him from the doorway, "Kyo, what's my name?"

Tears brim in Kyo's eyes and he angrily rubs at them.

It's a lie.

It has to be.

What he  _ thinks _ he knows, what he  _ thinks _ he remembers–

Summer nights, laughter and fireworks– it's a lie.

"Kyo–"

Summer nights, a hand in his– rice balls and blue ribbons.

“ _ Kyo– _ ”

Cool crisp mornings, kiss swollen lips and bruises on his hips.

A small silver key.

"Yuki." Kyo breathes, his voice hitching as a sob escapes him, aching and sharp. "Fuck your name is Yuki." 

It's like a string snapped.

A sharp crackle of lightning streaks across the sky, slicing through the dark.

Immediately, Yuki flings himself at Kyo and gathers him into his arms, clutching desperately at him.

All Kyo can think– as Yuki kisses him with too much desperation, too much teeth– is that he was right all along.

One touch, and Kyo is devastated, completely shattered and obliterated.

_ Ruined. _

/./././.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Kyo wakes up slowly.

He blinks against the morning sun and feels for the first time in his life, like the world had finally righted itself. Like it had finally aligned and was no longer pressing down and punishing him for things he couldn’t remember.

He feels light– like he could just–

Yuki blinks awake next to him. Eyes droopy with sleep before he reaches over, easy as anything, to gently touch Kyo’s cheek.

He traces his fingers across Kyo’s face, across his jaw and across his lips, presses his thumb into the corner of his mouth. He moves then, to kiss Kyo ever so gently, at odds with the desperate way he kissed Kyo last night.

Kyo kisses him back, has always kissed him back.

Ever since the first time– awkward then with too much teeth and face set ablaze, nervous and giddy.

Yuki takes Kyo’s left hand, lays kisses to the beads, to the inside of Kyo’s wrist and one to each of Kyo’s fingertips. His eyes are half lidded and inviting– soft and still brimming with heat and Kyo is left breathless.

He slides impossibly closer, his body aching from receiving all that Yuki had to give but still desperate for more.

Always, Always.

“I’m sorry,” Kyo croaks, “I let them– I–”

“Shh,” Yuki soothes, peppering his face with kisses, even as his own eyes brim with tears to match the ones sliding down Kyo’s cheeks to collect at the hollow of his throat.

“Yuki–” Kyo’s throat felt strangled.

Instead of answering, Yuki lifted himself up and moved to drape himself over Kyo. He lifts his hand to Kyo’s face and without any prompting, Kyo opens his mouth to accept his pale fingers. It was so reminiscent of their first time together, their hearts filled to the brim with each other, close to bursting, unprepared but too eager to care.

Yuki kisses Kyo’s forehead as Kyo swirls Yuki’s fingers around in his mouth, getting them wet.

He’s still sore from last night but when Yuki takes his fingers out Kyo immediately spreads his legs anyway, letting Yuki settle between them.

“Tell me–” Yuki breathes, settling his forehead against Kyo’s, looking into his eyes as he reaches down past Kyo’s cock, fingers settling at Kyo’s entrance. “Tell me to stop and I will. I know last night we weren’t– I wasn’t– it must have hurt.”

“I–It’s been a while.” Kyo says defensively.

Yuki kisses him, soft and gentle.

“I’m glad.” he says against Kyo’s lips, “But don’t have to do this, we don’t. I don’t want you to be in pain.”

“Put them in me,” Kyo mutters instead, “I want this– just go slow.”

“Tell me to stop if it’s too much, I–”

“You’re not listening,” Kyo grumbles, “I said I want this. I want you inside me.”

“Okay,” Yuki breathes against his skin, “Okay.”

/./././././

.

.

.

.

.

.

After they’ve showered in the tiny washroom Kyo was allowed in his cage, they dress in the meager clothes Kyo was given to wear, the cloth hanging off Yuki’s slender form. As they dressed Kyo had laid kisses to the back of Yuki’s neck, to the top of his spine, Kyo’s fingers gently roving over ribs and bony hips.

“I refused to eat.” Yuki had said, “It was the only freedom I had at the time.”

“You gave up?” Kyo frowned.

“I rebelled.”

“I–” Kyo stops, swallows nervously, “I still have it.”

Yuki looks at him curiously, head tilting to the side in question.

Kyo bends down and lifts the tatami mat and there it is, glinting in the sunlight streaming through the windows.

The key.

Yuki sucks in a breath sharply and seems to almost sway in his spot as Kyo bends down to pick it up.

“You–”

“I hid it.” Kyo says, standing to his full height and shrugging sheepishly. “I hid it– when Hatori– it must have fallen out when they brought me here.”

He goes to say something more, something like  _ I wasn’t going to let them take it. You gave it to me, it was mine. _ But Yuki crowds him against the wall, next to the barred window to kiss him senseless.

“Let’s go,” Yuki says out of breath and out of patience, “Kyo let's get out of here.”

“Yeah,” Kyo swallows, “Yeah.”

Now they stand side by side facing the barred door.

Neither speaks as Kyo trembles as he puts his hand on the handle; Yuki reaches out to grab his other hand, lacing their fingers together.

Kyo opens the door.

It was unlocked.

It had always been unlocked.

It was then, easy as anything, that Kyo took his first trembling steps out of his cage.

And just like that there was almost an audible snap and he hears Yuki gasp at his side. Kyo blinks rapidly, still clutching at Yuki’s hand, eyes brimming with tears.

_ Goodbye. _ A voice whispers in Kyo’s mind.

A sob breaks its way from Kyo’s chest and out of his mouth as his eyes land on her– on Tohru– who waits at the end of the old beaten and overgrown path; a blue ribbon in her hair, her smile watery and free.

With a heart wrenching sound, Yuki and Kyo race towards her.

_ Goodbye. _

They clutch desperately at her and pull her close.

_ Goodbye. _

They embrace her, crying as nothing happens, no smoke emerges and no one transforms.

_ Goodbye. _

They crumble to their knees, clutching at each other and sobbing, light and free.

  
  


/./././

.

.

.

.

.

_ Thank you. _

  
  


/././././

.

.

.

.

.

.

  
  


_ Before _

In all honesty, foolishly, Kyo had forgotten all about Akito.

In the months leading to graduation, astonishingly, Kyo had forgotten what it meant to be the cat.

Had forgotten with each and every kiss Yuki had given him, every touch, every whisper, every smile and every look.

Every promise.

And between that, there had been the study groups, the mad scramble to ingrain every word, every concept into their brains to pass their exams. The mad dash to sing karaoke and demands to go bowling in between study sessions with their friends. Girls on one side, guys on the other. 

Kyo would have been fine studying on his own. Would have been fine not having Tohru sit next to him, leaning over to show him something from their text book that she hadn't noticed before Yuki had pointed it out; that if you thought about it differently, the answer is clear.

Kyo would have gotten the answer on his own eventually. Would have made his own snacks for more "brain power" and would have taken his own breaks when he damn well pleased.

Would have been alone in his room, with nothing but his thoughts plaguing his head, books left closed and unread, notebook pages left blank. He would have had time then, in his solitude, to wonder what the  _ point _ of it all was.

He would have remembered  _ then _ . What it meant to be him. 

But the truth of it all is that he forgot.

Yuki had shoved into his room, kissed him in that way that always made his knees weak and began grabbing Kyo's text books and stray notebooks while Kyo stood there, skin prickling and stunned.

Kyo had no choice than to chase after him out into the hallway and down the stairs and into the living room where Tohru was, surrounded by notes and books and rice balls and tea.

She smiled at him as Kyo demanded to know what the hell was going on.

'It's our first study group, Kyo!' She said, bright eyed and determined. She picked up a rice-ball and offered it to Kyo, 'have a snack! We're going to need all the help we can get to ace these tests!'

Yuki settled across from her, setting Kyo's things down next to him. His face was cool but when he turned to look up at him, Kyo was struck dumb at what he saw in his gaze.

It was a promise of later, of forever in that one look alone.

Kyo had no choice then. But to sit down and join them, wondering briefly, fleetingly, how hard Akito would laugh at the thought of Kyo readying himself for a future that wouldn’t have him in it.

But then Yuki reached over and took Kyo’s hand and Kyo’s thoughts scattered while Tohru smiled wide and happy.

It was the last time Kyo honestly thought about Akito.

As the months rolled by, Kyo hadn’t had time to dwell, hadn’t had time to stop and wonder why he was putting in as much effort as he was.

He studied, snacked, worked on his forms and went out whenever they dragged him from one place to the next. He went to bed at a decent time, on nights Yuki hadn’t snuck into his room or pulled Kyo into his. Woke up early, ran, ate breakfast and made a mad dash to wake Yuki up to get him started for the day.

Then it was breakfast and a quick shove out the door and to school.

Hasty kisses when no one was looking, lingering looks and being jostled by classmates and jeering bets of who was going to have the higher score.

Kyo hadn’t noticed, when he began talking about the future.

Hadn’t noticed the curious way Shishou startled, coming to a standstill and staring before a smile broke out on his face, reaching out to ruffle Kyo’s hair and telling him to do his best. That he’ll be there whenever Kyo would need him.

Hadn’t noticed the way Tohru would smile brighter, or the way Yuki would turn slightly smug, as though winning at a game Kyo wasn’t aware he was playing.

And then– before he realized it, graduation day came and Tohru was a nervous wreck, Yuki talking to her gently and Kyo letting her squeeze his hand tight before letting go to move to their designated spots.

She cried when they called her name, Kyo’s own eyes misty with pride as she walked across the stage. 

Then his own name was called and when he looked out into the sea of people, he found Shishou among them all, smiling so brightly.

They all got together, afterwards with friends, classmates and family alike at the designated venue the school had provided, cheering and bright and so happy; they made it, they all made it.

“I want to show you something,” Yuki said against Kyo’s skin when he followed him into the bathroom, crowding him against the wall.

“I’m trying to take a piss,” Kyo had hissed, red faced and embarrassed.

“I won't stop you.” Yuki had teased, crowding closer.

“Oh my god,” Kyo groaned, throwing his head back and helpless against the exasperated laughter that bubbled up from his chest, “Would you just– what do you  _ want _ ?”

“Come with me,” Yuki said, “Hurry up."

"Get out then!"

"Oh? Too shy to go with me here?"

"I'm going to kill you," Kyo hisses, "You’re going to get us caught and I swear I'm going to kill you." 

"You know you'll have to get over it, especially when–" Yuki stops, cuts himself off mid sentence.

"When?" Kyo repeats, raising his eyebrow in question.

"We have to be quick," Yuki says instead, only taking a small step away, "we have to slip out before anyone notices."

"Then get out!"

"You're taking too long."

"You're the one who followed me in here!" Kyo exclaims.

"To get you to hurry up." Yuki says.

"Oh yeah," Kyo throws his hands up, "getting me up against a wall is really gonna make me go faster." 

"I'll wait outside then," Yuki says, backing away and grabbing the door handle, "don't take too long."

"What are you planning?" Kyo asks, squinting at him in suspicion.

"I want to show you something."

That something had been a small train ride away.

They snuck out, after Kyo  _ finally _ got to finish his business, bypassing their friends and family, leaving through the side door. It had almost been through the window, had they left any later as more people began fan out across the venue.

They walked side by side, their hands occasionally brushing against each other as they went, Yuki leading them further and further from the venue and onto a train.

The entire ride over they were squished together in the farthest corner, away from any girls that could accidentally stand too close and cause an incident.

Kyo gave a sigh of relief when the train made a stop and Yuki took his hand and tugged him off the train.

“Where the hell are we going?” Kyo asks for the hundredth time.

“I told you, I want to show you something.” Yuki says lightly.

Kyo glares at him, opening his mouth to bitch before he pauses. There’s a flush on Yuki’s cheeks, he tense, his hand clammy and slightly sweaty as though he was–

“You’re nervous.” Kyo states in awe.

Yuki snaps his head around to glare at Kyo before flushing darker and choosing instead to look forward and continue walking, tugging Kyo along.

“Just tell me where we’re going,” Kyo says exasperated, “You’re starting to make  _ me  _ nervous!”

“Keep your mouth shut,” Yuki snips, “I’m getting tired of repeating myself. I said I want to show you something.”

That something was an empty apartment.

Yuki had pulled them into an apartment complex and led them into an elevator. He paused before a door after tugging Kyo along before reaching into his pocket and retrieving a key, silent even as Kyo hissed at him, wanting to know what the hell was going on as he inserts the key. Cheeks flushed and clearing his throat he leads Kyo in and shuts the door behind them, flicking on the lights even though plenty of the evening sunlight streamed through big glass doors that lead to a small balcony across the way.

Quiet, confused, Kyo looks around as Yuki visibility fidgets.

“Yuki?” Kyo asks.

“I’m not good with words,” Yuki begins hastily, nervous in a way Kyo had never seen before. “I’m not good with finding the right things to say, especially when it’s this important to me. I just– Kyo.” 

He stops, licks his lips and steps closer to Kyo, reaching out and tugging the hem of Kyo’s uniform.

“Kyo, I want us to live here. Now that we’re going to start university, I want to come home to you and for you to come home to me. I– I want a future with you Kyo. I want  _ you  _ to want that with me too. I want us to build something together, something that belongs to us and no one else.”

Yuki pauses, breathes in shakily, gripping tighter at Kyo’s hastily buttoned up uniform jacket, taking in it’s wrinkles from getting jostled and tugged all day by friends and family as Kyo stands there, wide eyed and jaw slacked in shock.

“I want Tohru to come over all the time, I want you to teach me how to cook, I want late nights and early mornings with you. I want–”

Kyo reaches for him.

Helplessly, desperately Kyo cups Yuki’s cheeks and kisses him with everything hidden deep within himself, trying to convey every feeling, every want and every shred of happiness that bloomed in his chest. Ever growing, stronger and stronger.

A future, a bright future with Kyo in it, something that would be theirs.

“You’re crazy,” Kyo gasps between their soul scorching kisses, “If you think I’ll let you anywhere near  _ our  _ kitchen.”

Yuki laughs weakly, pulling away to rifle through his pocket again. Reluctantly he steps back and reaches for Kyo’s hand, and places something into his palm.

A silver key.

“It’s your copy,” Yuki says, “Let's go back to the house and grab some of your stuff.”

Kyo turns the key over in his hand, runs his finger across the ridges and takes in every little dip, commits every little crevice and jagged edge to his memory.

“What for?” Kyo asks.

“I want to have our first night here,” Yuki says lightly, his words sending heat through Kyo’s belly.

“You freak,” Kyo laughs, “You can’t wait?”

“No,” Yuki says coyly, lips tilted in a heated smile, “I can’t.”

“There’s nothing in this apartment though, it’s empty and I bet there isn’t even a bed!”

Yuki rolls his eyes, “Like that’s ever stopped us before. We’re lucky to even  _ have  _ a bed most of the time.”

“Yeah cause you can’t keep your damn hands off me you weirdo! It’s  _ you  _ that doesn’t understand the concept of patience and personal space!”

“I can hardly be at fault,” Yuki sniffs, “You walk around half naked all the time, are always unbuttoning your uniform at school–”

“It gets hot–!”

That was when Yuki’s phone began to ring, the sound cutting through the thickening air.

“Oh,” he sighs, aggrieved after taking it out and looking at the screen as it continues to wail, “It’s Kakeru. He finally noticed.”

“That you ditched him.” Kyo snickers, “He’s not going to leave you alone now. We have to go back.”

“But–” Yuki begins to protest as the ringing stops, only to begin almost immediately after.

“I’ll go to Shigure’s and pack a bag,” Kyo says with a roll of his amber eyes, “Then I’ll meet you back at the party, if you can wait that long that is.”

“You’ll stay the night then?” Yuki asks quickly, “And every night and day after?”

Kyo kisses him again, lightly this time, pulling back when Yuki tries deepening the kiss.

“Can’t let you burn the place down trying to cook for yourself. And I especially can't let Tohru waste her time to rush over to make sure you’re eating right or haven’t died under a pile of trash.”

“Kyo.” Yuki glares, impatient.

“I want it.” Kyo says, like it was the easiest thing, and really, standing here in what will now be their apartment, it was. “I want it with you. A future, a home. I want it all.”

He backs away before Yuki can reach for him again, dancing away towards the door light and agile on his feet.

“I’ll meet you back at the party after I drop my bag off here.” Kyo calls over his shoulder, opening the door.

“Kyo,” Yuki calls, his ringing phone clutched in his hand, “Kyo, I love you.”

Kyo flushes, ducking his head shyly, even after all this time.

“I love you too,” he grumbles embarrassed, “geez, with how many times you say it it’s like you’re afraid you’ll forget.”

“I won't.” Yuki says, his voice booking no argument, “I won’t ever forget.”

Kyo blinks at him and shakes his head, “Answer your phone damn it, or that loud mouth is going to find a way to track you down and then we’ll never have peace and quiet.”

“First thing we do,” Yuki says with a glare, “is find you a phone. Then I’ll give him your number.”

“Don’t you dare,” Kyo hisses acidly.

He closes the door behind him and begins walking down the hallway and down the stairs, bypassing the elevator.

He feels light, giddy and excited.

Loved.

The entire train ride to Shigure’s house Kyo gets lost in his head, thinking of what was in store for his future. Thinks about what kind of table to get, what type of dishes and what color of curtains to get. Wonders if he’d have the patience to go shopping with Yuki’s loud ass brother, who is sure to bud his way into helping them pick out things for the apartment.

Kyo wonders how many times Tohru would come over. Should they set something up every week? A day for them three? Maybe every two weeks? When they all start university they’re all going to be so busy, but doesn’t mean they wouldn’t make time for Tohru, no time for Tohru was unacceptable and wouldn’t be allowed.

Kyo thinks about calling Shishou, who, Kyo winces, he had also ditched at the school venue to follow Yuki into the unknown without question; to leave a message, to tell him he would come over in the afternoon the next day. To sit him down and tell him about their apartment instead of telling him at the party where everyone would be sure to eavesdrop.

Kyo thinks about coming home, using his new key Yuki had made for him to unlock the door and walk into their apartment.

For the first time, Kyo thinks about inviting everyone into their space, to have a small,  _ small  _ party to show off what was theirs.

What kind of food should he make then? Maybe he could have Tohru come over and they’d cook together, work as a team to keep Yuki’s disastrous self far away from the kitchen if he tries to ‘help’.

He thinks about all these big and little things, like what kind of towels or groceries to buy, what kind of utensils or cutlery to purchase or what kind of pots or pans to bring. He thinks about what type of argument he’ll use to convince Yuki a futon is way better than a regular bed. Thinks about what to say to kick Yuki’s ass into gear about keeping the place clean.

When he gets to Shigure’s house and slides open the door, he thinks about how he plans on kissing Yuki awake, every morning of every day.

_ I love him, _ Kyo thinks, just as he notices someone standing over him as he kneels to slide off his shoes,  _ I love him. _

Kyo looks up into Akito’s dark cruel eyes.

_ Oh. _

“Oh,” Kyo whispers, quiet and alone in his shock. Terror and panic blooms in his chest, travels down to his stomach and twisting violently.

_ I forgot. _

It’s like being doused with ice cold water, being sucker punched in the face, in the stomach, like having his heart ripped out of his chest, bloody and still beating.

No. That’s a lie.

This–

This feels much worse.

There’s a phone ringing in the distance, wailing loud and sharp in ways that Kyo wishes he could too.

“Did you forget?” Akito asks mockingly, a cruel smile twisted on his lips. “About our little bet?”

Something twists around Kyo’s neck, invisible and cold, it steals the air from his lungs and freezes the blood in his veins, turns his bones to stone.

“You did, didn’t you?” Akito laughs, cruel and sharp, a warning. “Oh you stupid, stupid thing.  _ They  _ all must have been filling your head with all these silly little thoughts that your tiny brain couldn’t keep up. What have they been telling you? That you’d be free? That someone other than me will eventually find it in themselves to love a monster like you?”

Akito hums and rolls his eyes as though exasperated “Those who are not cursed will  _ never  _ understand, Kyo. The bond, the need for safety, for the love and peace I provide for the zodiacs. Even for you. ”

The phone goes silent down the hall before starting up again. Someone was desperately calling.

Akito tilts his head, listening to it ring as Kyo struggles to gain control of his body, of his staggering breathing.

“It’s time,” Akito says, “It’s time for you to come home. For you to remember what you  _ really  _ are, what you’ve done to this family.”

_ No _ , Kyo thinks wildly, desperately his stomach sinking.

“It’s not like anyone will notice anyway.” Akito muses, “It’s not like anyone even really cares about a monster like you. No one will even blink after you’re gone. No one who matters will care once you’re in your cage. Built to last, built to–” 

“No.” Kyo bites out, voice strangled and ragged.

“No?” Akito’s expression drops, twisting.

“You’re wrong.” Kyo struggles to speak, “They do– they love me.”

_ Yuki– Yuki loves me. Tohru, Shishou– _

Kyo clenches his eyes shut, tries to block Akito out. “They love me.”

Overhead the clouds begin to thicken and it makes it harder for Kyo to breathe, makes his bones feel even heavier as Akito steps towards him, rage roiling off him in waves.

The strike to his cheek is sudden, unexpected and stings as he staggers, tries to keep his balance from the blow.

“They love me,” Kyo continues on, “They love me.”

“Shut up!” Akito screams, “Shut up! How dare you?!”

“I don’t love you,” Kyo says, the words clawing their way out of his throat, fighting to the chokehold the curse had on his body. “I don’t love you. You can’t force me to.”

“Shut up!” Akito slaps him again, “Shut up!”

Kyo topples over, all his training and defensive reflexes useless against God’s wrath. He staggers back onto his knees, slipping the key he still had clutched in his hand the entire train ride and long walk over to Shigure’s house into his shoe.

“I loved you first!” Akito shrieks, “How dare you! I loved you first!”

The phone continued to ring, shrill and piercing.

“Akito!” Hatori appears behind Akito, grabbing his arm as he raised it, poised to strike again as Kyo panted, his lungs screaming for air as the curse continues to choke him.

“Let go,” Akito hisses, “get your hands off me.”

“You’re not well, you need–”

“I said release me!” Akito shrieks 

Reluctantly, Hatori lets him go.

“You are selfish,” Akito says to Kyo, looming over him. “It’s never enough for you is it? You always want more, you never consider who you hurt, who you take advantage of.  _ Who’s bones you steal _ .”

Akito reaches down and cups Kyo’s cheek, his fingers like ice on Kyo’s flesh just as it begins to rain.

“Time and time again all you think about is yourself. Have you put any thought into who you leave behind? Have you put any thought into who is going to suffer because of you? Every second you spend outside of your cage you cause harm to those around you. You create memories, ugly disgusting memories that you leave behind.”

Kyo’s breath stutters as Akito’s words strike deep and true, his sharp nails gouging the skin of Kyo’s cheek, drawing blood.

“They’re going to suffer because of you– because of what you’ve done.” Akito says, “You’ve always known you’d leave them all behind, and yet you continued anyway, shoving yourself into their world, like a parasite, burying deeper and eating away at what’s pure and untarnished until you muddle it all up.”

The air around them was thick and humid as lightning flashed across the sky, the darkness closing in as Kyo struggled to breathe through the sobs that escaped his struggling lungs.

“You stupid, ugly thing.” Akito says, his voice lowering into a hiss “Here I am cleaning up all your messes. Loving you despite all that you’ve continued to do and you have the gall, the  _ audacity _ , to tell me you don't love me? Who do you think you are? Dragging innocent people into your mess and leaving them hurt and broken.”

He bends down then, reaches for Kyo’s beads.

“You say they love you– and yet you still hide behind stolen bones. They don’t love you. They  _ fear  _ you.” Akito says.

“Akito, that’s enough,” Hatori speaks up.

“How selfish of you– how could you have done this to them?” Akito continues, relentless. “You did this to them,  _ you _ . It would be a blessing for me to have their memories of you taken. To have their brains scrubbed so they’d be free of an ugly thing like you.”

“No–” Kyo gasps through air deprived lungs as the rain begins to fall harder, “Do whatever you want to me, just please– please don't do anything to them.”

Akito’s eyes grow dark.

“Apologize,” Akito says, his voice almost lost in the rumbling thunder overhead, “Apologize to for all that you’ve done, for all that you’ve ruined.”

Kyo looks up at him, lost and struggling to breathe, his eyes brimming with tears as Akito looms over him.

His dark eyes cut though Kyo, almost as though he himself were detached from his own body.

“Apologize,” Akito repeats, his eyes and voice so very far away, “for making me love you. For trying to leave. For refusing my gift to you. For trying to love anyone else but me. For throwing me away.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyo says, hushed, thinking of Tohru and her soft smile, of Yuki and of the silver key he had slipped into his shoe, “I’m sorry.”

He thinks about Shishou, then, about the way he held Kyo when he was little while he cried, terrified of the ugly face he found in the stain on the wall.

He thinks about those summer nights, on the beach with everyone, lighting fireworks and chasing each other around in the waves.

He thinks about school hallways, of the arm thrown around his shoulders, of the endless evenings spent studying and of the first time Yuki said ‘I love you’.

He thinks about all the good things that came to him, all the happy things that made him smile and holds it close, packs it away and guards it.

“How can you say all of that?” Kyo asks, his voice gaining strength even as the storm continues to rage on, seeping into his bones. “How can you say you love me, when you won’t even look at me?”

He reaches for his own beads.

“Look at me,” Kyo says, desperation seeping into his words, “You can’t, can you? You can’t look and see what you’ve done.”

Akito’s eyes go impossibly wide in fury, face growing pale.

“I’m sorry I don’t love you.” Kyo says to God, “I’m sorry you can’t let me go.”

Akito lifts his hand, poised to strike again before he pauses, his eyes narrowed to slits before his face splits.

“Hatori.” Akito speaks, his voice without a shred of emotion.

Beyond the open door, the storm began to swell as Kyo stayed knelt before God.

Kyo watches as Hatori steps forward on shaky legs, and Kyo  _ knows _ , knows before anything is being said at all, what was going to happen.

He watches Hatori struggle, too weak against their God to disobey.

He doesn't blame him, _can't_ blame him.

Kyo thinks about Akito’s words, about tarnishing all that was pure, about being a parasite and hurting those he’s leaving behind.

He thinks about Tohru, about Shishou, about Yuki, who were all still at the party, waiting for him to show up.

As Hatori’s hand settles over his head, Kyo begins to silently cry, because what Akito said was true.

It  _ was  _ all his fault, that they’re being left behind to deal with him being gone.

It’s all his fault, he should have stayed away.

“KYO!” a scream cuts through the storm just as a blinding white light flares from Hatori’s hand.

It’s something like being thrown into an icy lake, something like having fingers comb through your brain, taking and stealing what was once yours.

Kyo hides it all before Hatori could finish the job, steals it away and clutches at it desperately with clawed fingers.

Just as he’s falling, his head turns and he sees Tohru struggling against Kureno’s hold on her, face ashen and panicked, tears streaming down her face as the rain continues to fall.

_ I’m sorry _ Kyo tries to say as the world began to grow dark, his skin clammy and cold as everything began to drift away.  _ I’m sorry, I should have stayed away. _

As the world stops spinning, his ears ring from Tohru’s screams as Hatori walks to her, a lone tear streaming down his eye as he reaches for her.

_ I promise, I promise this time I will. _

“Oh–” Akito tells Kyo, “look at what you’ve done.”

He can't though, can’t look and can’t remember why he can't. It all trickles away from him, lost, stolen, hidden.

There’s one last scream.

The world goes dark.

And then there was silence.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr!
> 
> https://fashionredalert.tumblr.com/


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